The State of Being

I started the summer with big intentions. Go on vacation with my sister, get a job, and fill the season with busyness and fun. Well, I went on my trip, had a fabulous time, and saw amazing things, but coming back, my plans completely changed. I never got the job that was going to fill my time along with a summer class. I frantically searched and applied, searched and applied, and I searched and applied again, but alas—no job. Me being me, this was stressful. I have always been the kind of person whose goal was to have an income. Work hard equals make money, which equals freedom and fun, right?

Wrong.

I was angry. I was stressed. I was scared. I was disappointed. In all honesty, I wasn’t very nice. In the matter of moments, I could go from happy to upset because of my unemployed circumstance. It wasn’t until I was three-quarters of the way through June that I woke up—I couldn’t be that way anymore. I didn’t like me. Besides the money, there were other things changing and shifting, especially with the next school year. But I woke up.

I started reflecting on myself, and who I am. If I’m being honest with myself, I have a greedy edge to me. I started to realize that my concern for money was consuming me. I didn’t want it to consume me, though. I wanted to care about it, but I didn’t want that to be my only, nor my biggest, care in the world.

So, I stopped.

I woke up one day, and as the day stretched on and I thought more and more, I figured out what I needed to do. I had to stop. This could very well be one of my last summers of complete freedom. This could be the only time I have to really figure myself out and get to know me better. I might not even have tomorrow.

I quit applying. I know that that might’ve been stupid, but I wasn’t necessarily going for smart in this particular situation. I started writing more, focusing in on the hobbies that I love, like sewing, jewelry, and dance. I’ve been reading books on different topics that interest me. I’ve pursued me, and not money, which is what I so naturally strive after.

The moral of the story, though, is this: the state of being depends on what your goals, aspirations and dreams are. For me, I naturally gravitate towards money. It’s how I’m wired. But I could see myself falling into a hole that would make me unlikeable. Centering in on myself, I’ve started to learn how I treat others. It’s not always very pleasant, but I have to look at that. I’ve learned how to let things go, and how to focus on moving forward without a grudge.

The state of being is to live in the moment. Your moment. That one moment. The past doesn’t exist, and the future has not yet been given, even if it is just milliseconds away. Worrying about things that only deserve healthy concern is the opposite of being present; in fact, it only entrenches you in a future that is littered with all the unnecessary past. Being present is seeing what is around you, what could happen, and pushing for the correct solution, not fretting needlessly over every aspect of everything.

Your presence is now. So, pursue what you want to be about.

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